So I see a close of another year!

In five days it will be December.
I thank God for all he has done in my life, the things he has taught me and the way he has delivered me from, well let's be honest, myself.
Seems I have been my own worst enemy in times past.
Thankfully As G.I. Joe says, knowing is half the battle.
I have finally learned and invaluable lesson, God made me so I AM worth loving.
When Jesus said love my neighbor as my self, I always seemed to miss the  "as myself" part.
Then I always wondered why it seemed so hard to love my "neighbor" you know the folks I live with, see all the time.
I couldn't figure out why I could never get that forgiveness thing down, why I remembered everything any body did to me, not saying that there was some really raunchy stuff done, but why could't I ever let any of it go?
Well, it dawned on me one day that, I had never been able to forgive me, I couldn't even receive, God's forgiveness, which really is a slap in the face considering all He did to make that forgiveness available.
Yeah I had to forgive me of that too, and with the help and deliverance of the Holy Spirit, I have walked thru this awesome door, into an open place of freedom and love!!!
I am not longer faking it till I make it!

¹³Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before,
 ¹⁴I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.
 ¹⁵Let us therefore, as many as be perfect, be thus minded: and if in any thing ye be otherwise minded, God shall reveal even this unto you.
Philippians 3:13-15

I get it now, and I'm so-o-o looking forward to where it is The Holy Spirit is leading me now.

Wow not since February?!

it has been a busy time so I'm going to take a few days to maybe catch folks up.
First of all. I have become yet another stroke survivor, I'm amazed at how many of us there are! And I can only Thank God for His protecting hand on my live and the many others who have not only survived but have come out better for the experience.
Yeah! right? I came out better for having had this thing touch my life. Just goes to show that.... And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. Rom 8:28 and No weapon that is formed against thee shall prosper; and every tongue that shall rise against thee in judgment thou shalt condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD, and their righteousness is of me, saith the LORD. Isa.54:17
Well I will come back later (especially now that I found my password!!! ;-D)
yep that's part of why the long absence, but only part, yeah that's why......

I'm Learning

Every day it seems Father God is teaching me more and more about who He is, and being the self centered creature that I am, I immediately look to myself to see how this affects me.
Well God being who He is knows this about me so, He has been using this time to show me who I am also.

For one I am beginning to see just how self centered I really am.

Not a pretty sight I must say, and it seems I'm in a constant state of repentance. A good place to be, but not the most comfortable, also a good place to be. It seems from the evidence in my past that when I'm complacently comfortable I'm actually slip sliding away from Father into the abyss of my own selfish hell.

I might want to get that fixed. Actually no might to it; I do want and must have this fixed!! I want it ASAP, but reality is that it is and will continue to be a process, probably life long.
Thank God for the Holy Spirit! His influence in my life, means that this can, is and will be done.

Another benefit of this time in my life, is I'm beginning to get some idea of the depth of the love that God has for us!!!
A full understanding will only come thru eternity, but for now, what I have been privileged to see, and am in the process of learning and seeing, so far exceeds my wildest imagination of what a real love can be, that I am in total awe!!!
All the splendor of the known galaxy can not compare to the tenderness of the love that my Heavenly Father has and SHOWS to and for me, and all of us; if we have the eyes and hearts to see and preceive it.
Some times I can only sit still and bask in His presence, knowing full well that this a privilege is not something I have earned thru any goodness or righteousness of my own, but that it is a gift of love from the author and source of all love.
and all I can come up with is...
Wow! God Rocks!!!!!!

Long time no write!!

Life has been a busy thing lately,
A good busy; but busy non the less.
In Isaiah when God is discussing fasting, he mentions the type of fast he requires of us.  and one of the things that is a part of the required fast is that we "hide not our flesh from ourselves"
WOW!!!!
If you really want to take a good long, hard look at your self, and really see what other people see when they look at you, a really good Holy Spirit lead fast is just the ticket.
I have noticed that the more time I spend in God's presence during my time of fasting the more I get to see me, with out the pretty coat of deception I have woven so skillfully around me so as to not have to see ALL the spots, wrinkles and blemishes.
I must say that when it is stripped away the picture takes a completely different view, and if it weren't for the Gentle grace and compassion my Abba uses in showing me this not so lovely view of me I'd pack my bags and move to another planet.
But His Grace!!!!!!!
Three of the sweetest words I know!!!!
I now begin to understand what Paul meant when he wrote, "His Grace is sufficient for me"!
Even in my selfishness and often infantile behaviors, God's unmerited favor is still poured out on me, His love is never changing, and His comfort and help is ever ready to guide and directed me in the way that I should go.
I am so thankful for this time of fasting and consecration that God has called His body to, it has been a much awaited and oh so needed  awakening,
My prayer is that not a moment of God's time has been wasted on me.and that every seed He has planted in me, is and will ,continue to grow to full fruition for His Glory and Praise.
That all who encounter me will have no choice but to say, God is Real in the world today and He must needs receive all Praise, Honor and Glory!!!!!

Another Chance to smile!!!

As I sit here watching yet more sleet and ice come cascading form the sky, I have to smile. It's another day to delight my self in the Lord!! At a leisurely pace no less; with activities cancelled, I get to have a quiet day of restful contemplation.
I go over in my mind the past few years of this journey, and I stand amazed at the mercy and grace God has poured out over my life.
In truth from an earthly standpoint I have never been hit by so much Real life drama, from Financial disaster, to the Death of my baby boy, to heart attacks and bypass surgery.
To the outward appearance these past 5 years have been everything but blessed.
From where I stand now!!!???!!?
It was an arduous journey, but the destination, ROCKS!!!
What I now know of God and His love and compassion, I would not know from any other path.
What I now know of me and all Abba, has put into making me, who I am today, I would not trade for any thing. not even for one more day here on Earth with Jonathon. I will see him when I step into Eternity, and this time will be as nothing.
What I have today is a new appreciation for the moments I get to spend here sowing into other's lives, and being a friend.
I now have no fear of letting go of those who add nothing positive or only wish to take and never plant good seed.
Alone is not always a bad thing, because lonely can happen in a crowd, alone is a choice, time to meditate on all that Abba has taught me and is presently teaching me.
True friends are precious. Loved ones even more precious. though oft times these are interchangable.
Laughter is the best seasoning I can think of for life.
and the more I think on the Goodness of the Lord, the more Goodness I remember, till I'm over flowing!!
So today I share my over flow with you and pray that this day can be for you a day of remembered blessings, real time blessings and blessings to look forward to.

Happy Snow Day!!!!!!!

Well so much for writing every day.
But it's ok, I haven't turned a joy into a drudge or some horrible law thing.
For me this is good!! Way Goood.

My days have been full of the small necessary tasks of every day life, and though there have been moments when I have had to remind my self that it is not really worth getting up set about or worring about, a few times, ok we are just gong to call it a few.
I have on the whole remembered to give it to Abba, and let Him do what He saisd He would do, Carry it for me.
That is a very challenging thing for me.
I have been doing the carrying for a very long time.
I have had trust isuues for a grip!
I had been living by evidense not faith.
My past weighed in more heavily then God's word.
That thank God is changing even as I type!!!
I have to admit, it is tempting to try and take back all I lay at His feet, but I know that if I keep just reminding my self, and letting go, even if I have to let go of the same thing 50 times, ( one would like to think, one wouldn't be that clueless. Alas one also must be honest!) I will get better at this,
And with the sweet wonderful assistance of the Holy Spirit, this will soon be a way of life for me.
I would like to say I can already see a difference, but I'm too new at this to even recognize it if I do see it, this too will become apparent in time!
In the mean time moment by moment, Second by second, minute by minute, (I'll get to hour by hour in time) I have to remind my self and rejoice in the fact that God's got my back

Mid week message

I have had to make a decision for myself.

The attitudes of others will not make or break my attitude, day, life or decisions.

I know some people are already gifted with this strength, I may have been at the beginning, but after years of having to keep my ear to the ground as it were, it became habit to temper my every thought, word and deed to the prevailing winds in my world.

It became such and ingrained part of my personality, that even when I was free from those chains, I still walked in that circle. Always afraid that if  I ever over stepped my boundaries, there would still be a terribly painful price to be paid.

In all that time I failed to notice that while I was busy tiptoeing around everyone's wants, needs and individule temperaments, I was still paying an awful price.
I was afraid to be just me. I was stifling my own God given creativity and talents.

Well except one, and that was the one keeping my spirit alive, and the one others demanded of me. (another story for another time)

I was afraid to voice my opinion, stand up for what I believed for myself, (I've always been more than willing to fight against injustice for others who can't fight for them selves), But for me, I would meekly lower my head and take what ever was dished out to my. It was how I was trained.

I can not stress enough, that we parents have such a responsibility to our children to train them up in the love and admonition of the Lord. When we seek to control them at all cost, breaking their spirit in the process, we do them such a great disservice.

I digress.

I have finally come to the place in my life, where it is time for me to stand, and having done all stand.
I kneel to no one but my Heavenly Father
.
Does this mean I intend to run rough shod over every one to get my own way?
God forbid, why would I do to others what was so hurtfully done to me?
 I have learned through my own experiences that there is a firm, yet caring way to get a point across, or to let another know something is not acceptable.

So this I do promise me. My light will shine where ever I am, and if there is one so filled with darkness, that they are offended, then I will lovingly continue to shine right in their eye sight, praying all the while that they too will be able to see, and learn to let their own light shine bright too, cause if we both get to shining bright, that's just so much more light to shine in this often times dark world we inhabit.

Yep it's morning!

Another fine brisk day here in Antarctica!!!
I know it's January and it's supposed to be cold here, but...................
Unseasonably warm weather would not hurt my feelings right about now!!

Not much to report at this time, just relearning how to do life again, reconnecting up with people that I hid away from for a while, during the grieving process, after a few too many tried to correct me in my "unsaved attitude" after my son was shot.

I was afraid of my response the next time some one told me to "get over it, cause he is in heaven", and "a christian shouldn't grieve" and "after all I am a praise and worship leader so I should know better"!!

I kept wondering what bible they were reading.

It was the cold arrogance that was served to me in the name of "holy righteousness", that really made me want to kick a** and or slap the taste out of their mouths and repent later, instead I opted to take my broken heart home to my husband and God.

I'm glad I did, by the time Father finished with me I was able to deal calmly with people's lack of compassion, and just plain ignorance.

I have often wondered just what God sees in us, (starting with me) that made Him willing to give the sacrifice, He did for our redemption.
Then I remember:

Isaiah 55: 8-9
⁸For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD.
 ⁹For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.

And I'm thankful!!

Taking a pause for the cause

Whew!!! I have been on a mission lately.
I have recently had a chance to really take a good look around my house, I finally came up for air after the grieving process, for my son Jonathon, died at age 23, major bummer.
Well anyway, I looked around my house and Well, lets just say I haven't put down the broom, mop and dust pan yet.
You know how it is though, you start one project and that just leads to another,
I'm thinking by the time spring cleaning time actually gets here I'll be done, and then I can just go out side and enjoy watching things grow.
What with the snow we are getting, what better way to spend all this time I have on my hands.
So that's it for now.
Haaa! I got here and wrote!!!
That was me patting myself on the back!

Good Morning

This morning I don't really have any cohesive thoughts, it's a random jump around in my brain day.

I did just remember that if I direct my thoughts to concentrate on Jesus, I will have perfect peace, and I do. Just nothing ground breaking to write about.
So this is an exercise in (here's that word again) discipline.
Doing what I have said in my heart I will do.

As I look around at the house God provided, and the home he has created thru me, I can only be thankful.
Oh it will never be in a better homes and garden spread, but when prople enter it, the Peace of God gives them a big hug, even before I do.
I remember back to the various get togethers I have hosted for family and friends,
The one thing that every one has said, beside the food was great, (I love cooking for people) is that the atmosphere is so wonderful here, no drama, no hassles, just a good time had by all. Even those who usually carry a ship load of drama with them whereever they go, have laid it down outside the door before they enter.
I guess it is something I have always just accepted as normal.
But after having been to a few gatherings outside of my home territory, I have seen it isn't that way for every one.
So, I had to find out what the difference is.
In three words, The Holy Spirit!
He lives here in me and in my husband, and He keeps the peace, because He said He would and we just take Him at His word.
Faith in God's word has more power than anything else on this planet.
I have in the past walked in this truth, without consciously relizing what I was doing.
My goal this year and the coming years, it to make it a conscious decision each moment of my life.
Wow I just found my first goal for this year.
Amen!!!
I'm more then Kinda excited, cause I stopped having goals a long time ago, and if I might have one in mind I certainly never, ever shared them with people; they can too easily turn on you and destroy your hopes, dreams and goals.
This is a new page in my life because for the first time in a very _x10) long time; there is no fear in sharing.
I have promises from God.
Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.
and
Isaiah 54:17
No weapon that is formed against thee shall prosper; and every tongue that shall rise against thee in judgment thou shalt condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD, and their righteousness is of me, saith the LORD.
I think that is a pretty good place for me to start!!!
Have a blessed day!

It's a new Season

It's a new day, a fresh anointing is coming my way!!!

You know I heard the phrase " the peace that passes all understanding" a lot when I was a child. Well it certainly passed my understanding then.
I had no idea what that was all about.
I do now.
And while I have been at times too caught up in my own head to avail myself of this gift, I understand now that it is possible to have peace in the midst of chaos, trial, and grief.


jsut a thought...
As I look back over just the last seven years, and think about my reactions to some of the situations in my life, I have to just pause...............................
and thank God for His patience and long suffering love.
Cause I have to admit had I been in His place, I would have been sorely tempted to "kick me to the curb".
guess I should be really glad His thoughts are not like my thought, and His ways are not like mine.

Any way back to the original thought.
As I sit here typing, I can only marvel at the peace that I'm wrapped in right now.
The thing that is blowing my mind is knowing that this peace has just been waiting to hold me for the whole time, and all I needed to do was quiet myself and listen to my heavenly Father.
No big spiritual display or sacrifice needed. Just listen.
Again I often wonder what Abba must be thinking, about us confused, silly children down here.
I often picture Him just shaking His head, and saying, They Are going to get it. I know they will, I placed it in them.

Thank God He loves us so much.

I WILL rejoice and be glad

I used to think that joy was something that came from an outside source.

The right circumstances, the right people, the right stuff. I also thought that happiness was joy.

I look back now and think, a-a-a-w wasn't she cute, silly little darling!!

After fifty something years ( that's my story and I''m sticking to it!) ;-D  I have learned better.
It took seven years of, if it can go wrong it will, to teach me God's reality.

With the Holy Spirit residing in me, Joy is alwas present.
Even when I was racked with pain, physical, emotional, and mental as well as spiritual questioning and misunderstanding.

Deep inside in that far corner of my soul that I was trying to avoid so I could get on with my pity party,  joy patiently waited.

(That in it's self is a whole different topic, maybe one day I will get to share some thoughts on that.)

The joy of knowing Abba, the joy of knowing that Jesus paid for all of this, the joy of knowing He would never leave me or forsake me, the joy of knowing that the Holy Spirit is here to comfort me as soon as I allowed Him to do what He so longs to do.

That's why I emphasized WILL in the title.

I have learned (and it seems to have been a common occurrence in my life up to this point) the hard way, that the choice is mine to make.

I can indeed choose to wallow in my self pity, anger, or what ever destructive emotion, I'm entertaining at the moment, or I can embrace the love, joy, and peace that is so readily available in God.

So I'm left with this; Chose you this day whom you will serve.

My response...

This is the day the Lord has made I WILL rejoice and be glad in it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
.

Discipline, Discipline, Discipline

I said I would do it and so I am.

Learnig to do things because, it's necessary, or I gave my word, or because it will benifit, me or some one else later, is an issue I fight with daily.

As a child I had no choice, in a lot of things, and it was literally beaten into me, I had better do the work or else, then even as I did it, I would still catch it if I didn't do it with a smile, and I mean a big smile.

While at the same time any activity I did like was cut off just as I started to reap some benefit from it. So the only things I completed were the chores. Whether, tedious detailed intricate work or hard physical labor. And while that training has come in handy in my life, the result was, that the minute I was out of that house, I rebelled!!

I decided I will not do any thing I don't feel like doing.
Well, you can guess how that worked out for me. I did learned however, sometimes the hard way, that there are indeed things, that must be done regardless of how I feel. So I got the basic, gotta do it's, down pat.

It has been the choose to do's, that I still wrestle with. Cause today I may feel all wonderful about doing something, but who knows about tomorrow or even later on today.

It has only been recently that I have allowed my self to do things I actually enjoy, and complete the project. I'm learning to ignore the feeling of impending doom, that has plagued me for so many years, built in by having dreams and hope snatched from me during my formative years.

The hardest ones are when I know it will result in a bountiful harvest, but not for a long time, and in the mean time, I have to keep slogging away.

I am yet finding that in those time it is totally necessary to rely on God. Also a struggle for me, I learned early that there is no one you can trust or rely on, and in my mind, I battle with trusting and relying on this invisable God.  In my spirit I know that I know, that He is and that He is a rewarder of those who DILIGENTLY seek Him, but honestly some times I just don't feel like it.

I have however learned; again, sometimes the hard way, that the moment I let go, let down, or think it's about time I got to do what I feel like; the enemy is just waiting.

And let me tell you there is nothing worse in my book, than seeing all my hard work go down the tube, two seconds before the break through, just because I had a flash back to being a little kid, and rebelling against people who aren't even alive any more.

Sounds ridiculous to let those memories dictate my actions now, and it is, but as I look back, even as I type this, I finally realize, that I had to  forgive them, and I thank God, as I search my heart, I have.
Freedom!!!!
Freedom to do what must be done, freedom to stick with it and complete it
Freedom to Live a full and productive life, and the freedom to no longer think of the word discipline as a four letter word..
Just one more thought, if you are the one responsible for a child's heart, nurture it with love and compassion, you have been entrusted with a precious soul and the way you train them up will indeed make the differance between a blessed adult life or one distorted by the lies they will hae to battle every day,
We have enough stuff to deal with daily as adults. without having to battle with our past all the time.

Dark as it is, it's still morning

You know sometimes life is that way.
I just went through some dark times, and I did the, "weeping may endure for the night" stuff.
But now I'm in the "but joy comes in the morning" part.
I remember at some point, as the weeping part was abating, I looked around and I was still in what appeared to be the dark, there seemed to be no glimmer of light showing and I still felt cold and lonely.
But in one tiny corner of my heart, I could hear the Holy Spirit whisper, It's morning.
At first I just said " yeah, sure, r-i-i-i-i-ght, and curled back up in my little ball, but the stirring had already begun.
Little by little I would raise my head and peek to see if there was any light showing.
After a time I got tired of waiting for the light and just decided to believe the Holy Spirit and act like the sun  (Son) had risen, and get on with my life, it was then that the Joy began to come and with it, I began to see the light.
So now when I look out side in the wee early morning hours and it still looks dark. I know that even though it is still dark, it is morning, and I take encouragement from knowing that no matter what comes my way, The Son HAS risen, and I have hope for my new day.

Today is a new day

New day......hmmmmmm
What exactly does that mean?
After all most of the same issues I faced yesterday are still sitting around making ugly faces at me, I still have the same surroundings and the people I deal with are still the same.
So in essence it looks to be a repeat of yesterday, give or take one or two changes in my schedule, and the fact that this day has a different name.
So what is this new day stuff?
Well.....
Glad I asked., (Who I asked comes later)
See, today I have the opportunity, to look at all of the above in a new way, a different perspective, with greater understanding, and wisdom.
I can consciously choose to make this a new day, with new reactions, responses, and decisions for the events that arise in my life.
Hard work? Sometime, yeah!!!
While sometimes it just takes a second to readjust my focus, or to remember, that it really doesn't have to be the same old, same old,  I can make the change.
Oh not in the peolpe around me, they are in charge of their stuff.
But I can make me think and do different.
Some times I'll make on small reaction change just to see what will happen.
There have been times when it made all the difference in my world, others not so much.
When not so much, I take note and the next time it comes around, or something like it' I try something different.
I like to think of it as "the Grand Experiment".
What will happen if I do this or that?
The outcome has some times blown me away with the awesomeness of it result, and again some times not so much. There have been time when I really didn't see it going THAT way at all; and I chalk it up as a learning experience.
Now then, I did mention that I would tell you who I asked.



Wait for it.................................



Yeah, I ask God.

Believe it or not, He is very approachable, and actually answers back if I'm willing to listen; so I pray a lot daily,
Oh, not your great somber "O we beseech thee o great wither there forest religious sounding balderdash".
I mean, I just talk to him like I'm talking here.
After all Jesus paid a really heavy price to enable me to have this freedom, this direct access to the Creator of the whole universe.
I think the least I can do to show my appreciation is to utilize this access.
So, when it starts to look from my point of view that today is just going to be a repeat of yesterday; and all the stuff I went to sleep, hoping would go away; is still waiting for me when I wake up; I go to Abba and ask for a different out look.

After all, today IS a new day.

and it's saturday

Here once again, just to condition my self to get here and type.
Went to the women's breakfast this morning.
it was pretty much what i expected, except i did meet and speak to a couple of awesome women.
One is an author so I think i may pick up her book to see for my self.
the other I have seen around before but have not had the chance to speak to on a personal basis. good stuff.
Just read what I typed!!! Pretty darn vague wasn't it?
well, some time just the bare essentials are all i have to offer.
After that I went down town to fellowship with Brothers keeper.
Since I was made up from this morning, most of the folk didn't recognize me.
I usually go down there to work, so I dress for it.
what a difference a little war paint can make.
OK I typed, I'll be back tomorrow God willing.
I know there is a Reason I was sent to do this in the mean; time I'm getting used to doing it.

Good Morning!!

I'm sitting here listening to "Let the Redeemed of the Lord Say So".
                                           SO!!!!
OK, very small joke, nothing deep or important on my mind or in my heart right now.
I'm just conditioning my self to come here and put down thoughts and ideas.

Habakkuk 2:2 says - And the LORD answered me, and said, Write the vision, and make it plain upon tables, that he may run that readeth it.

I have found this to be very true for my life.
When I take the time to sit down and write, or type out what The Holy Spirit has taught me or told me; I tend to remember it longer, and even if I forget it, I have only to go back and read what  has been written and voila I am back on track.
As a matter of  fact, when I go back, I am usually in a different place mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, and I see it with new eyes, thus reaping a greater understanding  or different perspective of what has been written.

Well. it's just a thought

Wow a place where I can talk a lot!!!

I don't reall have any thing of import to say right now.
I was invited to create this by a good friend so I did.
and there you have it for today