I said I would do it and so I am.
Learnig to do things because, it's necessary, or I gave my word, or because it will benifit, me or some one else later, is an issue I fight with daily.
As a child I had no choice, in a lot of things, and it was literally beaten into me, I had better do the work or else, then even as I did it, I would still catch it if I didn't do it with a smile, and I mean a big smile.
While at the same time any activity I did like was cut off just as I started to reap some benefit from it. So the only things I completed were the chores. Whether, tedious detailed intricate work or hard physical labor. And while that training has come in handy in my life, the result was, that the minute I was out of that house, I rebelled!!
I decided I will not do any thing I don't feel like doing.
Well, you can guess how that worked out for me. I did learned however, sometimes the hard way, that there are indeed things, that must be done regardless of how I feel. So I got the basic, gotta do it's, down pat.
It has been the choose to do's, that I still wrestle with. Cause today I may feel all wonderful about doing something, but who knows about tomorrow or even later on today.
It has only been recently that I have allowed my self to do things I actually enjoy, and complete the project. I'm learning to ignore the feeling of impending doom, that has plagued me for so many years, built in by having dreams and hope snatched from me during my formative years.
The hardest ones are when I know it will result in a bountiful harvest, but not for a long time, and in the mean time, I have to keep slogging away.
I am yet finding that in those time it is totally necessary to rely on God. Also a struggle for me, I learned early that there is no one you can trust or rely on, and in my mind, I battle with trusting and relying on this invisable God. In my spirit I know that I know, that He is and that He is a rewarder of those who DILIGENTLY seek Him, but honestly some times I just don't feel like it.
I have however learned; again, sometimes the hard way, that the moment I let go, let down, or think it's about time I got to do what I feel like; the enemy is just waiting.
And let me tell you there is nothing worse in my book, than seeing all my hard work go down the tube, two seconds before the break through, just because I had a flash back to being a little kid, and rebelling against people who aren't even alive any more.
Sounds ridiculous to let those memories dictate my actions now, and it is, but as I look back, even as I type this, I finally realize, that I had to forgive them, and I thank God, as I search my heart, I have.
Freedom!!!!
Freedom to do what must be done, freedom to stick with it and complete it
Freedom to Live a full and productive life, and the freedom to no longer think of the word discipline as a four letter word..
Just one more thought, if you are the one responsible for a child's heart, nurture it with love and compassion, you have been entrusted with a precious soul and the way you train them up will indeed make the differance between a blessed adult life or one distorted by the lies they will hae to battle every day,
We have enough stuff to deal with daily as adults. without having to battle with our past all the time.
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